By Asha Clearwater

When my beloved rescue Labrador died in 2023, my wife and I were devastated.

Our beautiful Thea, or Theadorable as we called her, left the biggest hole in our lives.

For us, she was the ultimate canine companion. Loyal, loving with just the right amount of Labrador mischief.

The pain of her loss was so raw that I found it hard to express how I was feeling, struggling to get on with my everyday life for many weeks.

When I eventually reached out for help, it was a game changer. I was able to express and then move through those raw emotions. With someone to listen, I found a place where I could come to terms with my loss.

Having a place to share enabled me to move on, complete with all my wonderful memories of Thea.

Pet bereavement services, available from a variety of UK organisations, offer invaluable help for those of us mourning the death of a beloved pet.

Sometimes it’s hard to express how we’re feeling when it comes to our animal companions. Not everyone appreciates just how much a pet can mean to us and the impact their death can have.

We need time and space to grieve a much loved pet. So, if you’re struggling to come to terms with your loss, please never be afraid to ask for support. There are so many great pet bereavement services available to help you.

These include: 

Blue Cross

Tel: 0800 0966606

8.30am to 8.30pm

Cats Protection

Paws To Listen Grief Support Service

Tel: 0800 0249494

The British Horse Society

 

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By Liz Ormerod

 

The Grieving Process

Grief is a natural response to loss, and it encompasses a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt and confusion.

The grieving process is unique to each individual, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Some people may find solace in sharing memories and talking about their pet, while others may prefer to grieve privately.

Denial

The initial phase of grief often includes denial. It can be difficult to accept that a pet is gone, and this stage may involve shock and disbelief.

It's important to allow yourself to feel these emotions and not rush the process.

Sadness

A deep, overwhelming sadness with a painful emptiness. 

Colin Murray Parkes, the eminent psychiatrist who studied grief stated: “Grief is the price we pay for love.”

It can help to have a good cry and not keep trying to repress feelings.

Be aware that friends and colleagues who have never been bonded to an animal may make remarks they think are helpful, but which are very hurtful.

For example: “It was only a cat, get over it”, or “Just get another dog”.

Try not to let such remarks upset you. These people have never known the joy of a human-animal bond.

SCAS has produced pet bereavement guidance for workplaces which is free to download from our website.

Anger

Anger is a common stage of grief, and it can be directed towards oneself, others, or even the pet for leaving.

Understanding that this anger is a natural part of grieving can help in processing these feelings.

Bargaining

During the bargaining phase, you may find yourself dwelling on "what if" and “if only” scenarios, wishing you could go back in time and change the outcome.

This is a way of trying to regain a sense of control over the situation.

Depression

Depression is often the longest and most challenging stage of grief.

It may involve feelings of deep sadness, loneliness and emptiness.

Finding support from friends, family, or a counsellor can be crucial during this time.

Acceptance

Acceptance does not mean forgetting your pet or moving on completely.

Instead, it involves coming to terms with the loss and finding a way to live life without the physical presence of your pet.

This stage may bring a sense of peace and cherished memories.

Coping Strategies

Everyone copes with loss differently, and finding effective ways to navigate grief is essential.

Here are some strategies that may be helpful:

Talking About Your Pet

Sharing stories and memories about your pet can be a cathartic experience. This can be done with friends, family or support groups.

Verbalising your feelings can aid in processing the grief.

Creating a Memorial

Creating a memorial for your pet can be a meaningful way to honour their memory.

This could be a photo album, a garden, or even a simple keepsake.

Some people memorialise their companions by writing their life story, a poem about them, or by painting them.

A donation to an animal charity is another way to continue their legacy.

Supporting Children

For many children the loss of a family pet is their first experience of death.

Great care is needed in supporting children, and we recommend you access the free online SCAS resources for teachers, parents and social workers. 

Children especially like to memorialise their pets.

Making a shrine near a pet grave using natural materials found on visits to beaches or forests is a good activity, helping children to cope.

Allow children plenty of opportunities to talk about their pets in the months following loss.

Parents often mistakenly believe it is best not to discuss a pet for fear of causing distress.

However, our experience is that if parents stay silent on the issue, children tend to think that the parent didn’t care about the pet, and only they missed the pet and are grief stricken.

The Rainbow Bridge is a popular way to think of pets in the afterlife, and children will often want to draw or paint their pet crossing the rainbow.

All these suggestions provide a tangible way to remember the joy they were brought by an animal companion.

Seeking Support

Following seminal research by Dr Mary Stewart DVM SCAS, the Pet loss Support Service was created in 1994.

This provides free support from trained Befrienders.

Since 2012 the service has been operated by Blue Cross animal charity.

Support can be accessed by telephone, email or letter. Call 0800 096 6606.

If the grief feels overwhelming, seek help from your GP or a professional counsellor or therapist who specialises in pet loss.

They can offer support and techniques to manage emotions that come with your loss.

The journal Psychology Today maintains an online list of accredited therapists and counsellors, with information about their qualifications, areas of expertise and whether they offer in person or online consultations.

In our experience, pet bereavement support can be very helpful.

Find Counselling, Therapists, Psychologists - Psychology Today UK

Participating in Rituals

Rituals such as lighting a candle, holding a ceremony, or even writing a letter to your pet can provide a sense of closure.

There is a candle ceremony every Monday evening at 7pm.

A ceremony or a wake can be arranged around this.

Friends can be invited round to share fond memories of the pet, and of other pets that have passed.

People who live far away, including abroad, can also participate by lighting a candle at that time.

These actions can help in acknowledging the loss and expressing emotions.

Taking Care of Yourself

Self-care is especially important during times of grief.

Ensuring you get enough sleep, eat well and engage in activities you enjoy can help in maintaining your wellbeing.

Connecting with Others

Connecting with others who have experienced pet loss can provide a sense of community and understanding.

Moving Forward

Moving forward after the loss of a pet does not mean forgetting them. It means finding a way to integrate their memory into your life and continuing to cherish the moments you had together.

Finding New Purpose

Sometimes, channelling your love for your pet into new activities can be healing.

Volunteering at animal shelters, adopting a new pet when you feel ready, or supporting pet-related charities can create a positive outlet for your feelings.

Living with Memories

Keeping your pet's memory alive through photos, stories and commemorative items can provide comfort.

It's perfectly natural to continue to feel a connection to your pet long after they're gone.

Pet loss is a deeply personal and challenging experience, but it is also an opportunity to reflect on the love and joy that pets bring into our lives.

By understanding the grieving process and finding ways to cope, we can navigate our grief and honour the memory of our beloved pets.

Remember, grieving is a journey, and it takes the time needed to heal.

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The Society for Companion Animal Studies, SCAS, was founded over 45 years ago for the purpose of studying the human animal bond. Research on the effects of pet bereavement by Dr Mary Stewart DVM, a founder member of SCAS, led to a deep understanding of the profound effects of pet loss bereavement, and on how to support grieving pet guardians.